Waking Up

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"
Was that my mother's voice? I think I heard her. Then I floated back into the lovely velvet black where I felt enveloped in a cool wave of......nothing. How can nothing feel so good. Even my thoughts are few and far between.
I do not know how long I was unconscious, however a searing pain began to pull me from my safe haven. I have met many people who have had near death experiences, some self inflected, and almost all of them swear they have seen or had some sort of religious or out of body experience. Mine was simply a feeling of peace and quiet one I had never experienced in my life. Now this pain, this hell fire was ripping me back to reality.
"We have another teenager who likes to hurt herself."
Those words are the first I heard as I opened my eyes, at least the first I comprehended. A nurse was standing over my fore arm pulling off some bandaging. Apparently because I hurt myself I did not deserve any explanation as to where I was, where my mother was, what was going on, or even what day or time it was. All I could think was, 'This nurse is so vicious! Why am I still alive?'
The next few hours in the emergency room passed in a blur and I was in and out of consciousness due to pain. Looking back now as an adult I am shocked and outraged at the way a child who was obviously at risk and crying out in need was treated. I was left alone restrained to the bed (because I was a risk) for quite sometime, my mouth dried to the point that I had blisters for weeks after and I bled all over myself. When they came in to draw my blood (I still do not know why this was necessary) the phlebotomist was rough and not only missed but when I cried because she hurt me, I was told to hush as I obviously did not care about how I treated myself. I was then left to cry alone. I was left in a private room, as a child from a poor family I do not know why I was put in a single room, but there I lie. Staring at the ceiling, was there a God? Where was he? Did he hate me? Did my family? Why couldn't I just stop breathing, all I brought was pain.
I could not tell you who told me that I would be held on the mandatory 72 hour psychiatric hold and then  more than likely be Baker Acted. Honestly all of it scared me and I shut down. I do not remember all of the information they were throwing at me. I was transported to the children's mental ward. Little did I know this is where my mother would leave me for a very very very long time.

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Thanks for Reading Friends. I realize for some people this may be hard and for others this may be familiar. I want to make sure that everyone who reads this understands I am writing this for many reasons. 1) everyone deserves some form of therapy and this is my choice. 2) I have taken these broken beginnings and built my life up and done amazing things. I want people to know that no matter how bad it gets it can always get better. It may take days, years, or even decades. Heck I am passing my third decade and am finally happy with who I am. It has been a long long road but it is possible. The moral of all this is please never give up. Read these words and know you are not alone.